Smooth Criminal
by igirisexual
Summary: Wang Yao is a young cop, hot on the trail of thief and possible terrorist, Ivan Braginsky. Ivan is a cocky bastard who is always certain he can escape or turn the situation around to his advantage Every time Yao comes close to catching him, Ivan thwarts his attempts and gets away. Not before making love with Yao, though. And Yao's been struck by a smooth criminal. RoChu.


"Hurry up, we're going to lose him!" Yao spat into his receiver, trying to dash down the street, in hot pursuit of a terrible criminal. "Come on, get backup on his case already!" Yao grunted as he was forced to climb a wire fence to chase his target. Why was such a tall and large man so damned agile? It didn't make sense. Also, why was he such an asshole? And why was he so cute? Yao was so incredibly agitated as he raced down the street, staring at the unfashionable man running far ahead of him. "Cease and desist, Braginsky!" he cried. "You can't run, and you can't hide! I can see you from a mile away!" he jeered, feeling anger rise as the criminal turned his head and winked. Actually, he could see Ivan from a mile away; the man wore a bright green sweater, neon red gloves, and bright blue boots for some reason. A true fashion disaster. Oh, the bastard. Yao wished backup would actually come, but he really doubted Officer Kirkland would send help. Yao was probably just going to end up naked and missing his gun again if he caught up to the bloody criminal.

"I am not trying to hide, dear Yao!"

Ivan Braginsky was a possible terrorist. Okay, no he wasn't. Not in his own mind. The entire police force considered him a possible terrorist. But he wasn't a possible terrorist, or any kind of terrorist at all. He was only even in the whole scenario of being hunted because his friend, Matthew, had dared him to hack into the United States' military database. Ivan was a right genius with computers, and so he had just done it for the hell of it. And of course, he'd been charged and pinned as a probable terrorist. Rumor had it (well, Officer Jones had it) that Ivan Braginsky was trying to overrun the United States with evil communism. Despite not being an actual confirmed terrorist, Ivan still enjoyed his kleptomania, and took great pleasure in nicking anything and everything from museums, companies, and even civilian homes in the middle of the night. So at least he was a definite criminal.

"Just shut up!" Yao grunted, jumping over a garbage can that Ivan had kicked over to hinder him. "Surrender and let's get this over with!"

"Are you that thirsty? I believe we last did it quite recently," Ivan laughed, charging down the alley. "Remember? You tried to catch me for taking that one showerhead."

"Shut up!" cried Yao, trying not to flush in memory. Yes, Ivan had stolen a showerhead, and Yao and tried to apprehend him for it. That didn't quite so much go to plan. In fact, Ivan had ended up making love to him in the attic of that same house, and then leaving him on the rooftop with no way to get down. Oh, and Ivan had taken all of Yao's clothes that time.

Yao remembered meeting Ivan Braginsky for the first time, and it wasn't necessarily an unpleasant experience. He'd thought Ivan was a pretty cute guy on first sight, and, as a single and pretty gay guy would do, he tried starting a conversation. They chatted, yes, and both Yao and Ivan ended up taking a liking to each other. Although, their little friendship was split apart when Yao's superior, Officer Kirkland, asked him if he'd heard of a certain Russian man under the name of Braginsky who had just threatened terror on the United States. It was always the cute ones who were nasty criminals, wasn't it? Yao certainly couldn't reveal his liking of Ivan to anyone, or else he'd probably lose his spot on the police force. And honestly, this was his dream job. He wouldn't let himself get fired for liking a stupid criminal.

"Alas, it's past your bedtime," cooed Ivan, who had somehow managed to get up onto a rooftop. Yao cursed Ivan's cat-like agility as he stood there, on the ground. "So I'm afraid I must go. _Do __svidaniya_," he chirped, before disappearing into the night.

"Ugh, he's dead meat!" Yao cursed to himself, angrily pulling out his radio receiver. "And we've lost him."

"Congratulations on not getting your ass fucked this time, Officer," jeered the voice on the other end. Yao could have throttled Kirkland. Of course, Arthur was joking. He didn't know that the whole ass-fucking actually happened sometimes.

That was about the fifth time this week alone that Yao had narrowly missed catching Ivan. Yao honestly swore that he'd blink and lose the guy. He was just that good. But Ivan hadn't actually ended up catching him and doing something naughty for some time, and Yao was half-relieved. Only half so, because some part of him didn't actually mind when he and Ivan got it on. Hey, he liked the guy, and he liked sex. But afterward, oh, _afterward,_ he'd feel like a cloud of wasps were buzzing around his brain and making him quite infuriated.

A week or so passed from that day, but it seemed that Ivan Braginsky had actually been caught. Yao thought it was a miracle when he received a text that read '_Finally caught him. Wasn't even that hard. You're demoted. – AK _'. Yao almost threw his phone about over being demoted, but luckily checked the next text. '_Just kidding. Did you throw your phone at something?_'. After angrily throttling Arthur at the desk to the little police station, Yao grunted and went inside properly when it was time for his night shift. Arthur buggered off, and it was just Yao left to look after the station. He strode through it, walking back and forth, and back and forth, and trying to ignore the criminal he had always worked so hard to catch.

Ivan actually seemed rather down, slumping in his holding cell and whining quietly to himself. When he heard Yao's footsteps, he looked up, not even getting too bright in the eye when he saw it was his favourite cop. He looked to be thinking over his life choices. Perhaps he was a little melancholy that his thieving days could possibly be over. Sighing, he stood up and toddled over to the bars. Ivan was hardly clueless, and it only took him a few moments of observation to work out the best plan of escape.

"Hey, Yao," he cooed sweetly, resting against the bars. "Come to visit me, huh?"

"I've come to see you're behind bars, you worthless criminal," Yao muttered, crossing his arms and continuing to pace back and forth. "And I work here." Very smooth, Yao. Very suave.

"Come here," Ivan beckoned, whining softly. "I want to see your badge." Yao narrowed his eyes, but hesitantly stopped his pacing. Scrupulously staring at Ivan, he inched closer to the holding cell, turning his shoulder a little so Ivan could look at his badge. Honestly, he was goaded by just the sight of this man.

"It's so shiny! Have you been promoted over my capture?" Ivan chirped, tilting his head. "I'm proud of you, Yao!"

"I haven't been promoted," he huffed. "But maybe I will be once you finally go to prison."

"If I go to prison, won't you miss me? I'll miss you," Ivan whined quietly. Yao had a feeling this wouldn't end well. "I wouldn't be able to run through the streets.. And you wouldn't be able to chase me! You'd have to go back to boring commonplace criminals," he wept fauxly, pretending to brush away tears. "You're so special to me."

"I suppose I could visit you in prison and see how bad it is for you. You know, paying for your crimes," Yao mused, hesitantly moving closer to the bars and staring in at Ivan. He really wished Ivan wasn't so tall. It would've been easier to intimidate him if he wasn't the size of a giant, compared to Yao, with the size of a little beansprout.

"I would rather pay my love for you," Ivan quipped, raising a brow. "I don't look good in orange. It makes me look pudgy."

"I'm sure you'd look just fine in a jumpsuit," Yao muttered sourly. "You'd look better in handcuffs."

"Really?" mused Ivan. "I don't think so.. I look best in bright green and bright purple and bright-"

"You're making my eyes bleed just talking about your fashion sense," Yao interrupted.

Ivan paused, pursing his lips and thinking for a moment. "Hey, Yao? Do you want to know why I hacked the United States database?" he queried softly, knowing he'd win as soon as these words left his mouth. Yao was a real stickler for justice, but it seemed, to him, motive was one of the most crucial things to know. And of course, Yao would do anything to know the truth.

"Yes." Yao muttered.

"Well, I can't have the security cameras hearing," said Ivan, although there were no cameras in the room. "Can you come here so I can whisper it to you? I would through the bars, but alas, my face hurts if I press it against the cold metal." He frowned, putting on a face like a sad puppy.

Yao didn't even think to check for security cameras, and hesitantly, ever so hesitantly, opened the cell door. He stepped in and closed it before Ivan could bustle past and get out, and glared at him. "Alright. Just tell me why you did it." he grunted. "Why'd you hack into the United States database, Ivan Braginsky?"

"Not so loud! Shh," said Ivan, lifting a finger to his lips in a gesture for Yao to hush up about it. Slowly, he leant in and down, as if he was going to whisper into Yao's ear. "I'll tell you in just a moment, but, ah.." he murmured, moving his face to line up with Yao's. Smirking like the smug bastard he was, Ivan kissed his favourite cop, pleased when Yao didn't jolt away in surprise. When that occurred, Ivan knew he had Yao in the palm of his hand.

"Let's get rid of these," Ivan hummed, pulling off Yao's tie and starting to unbutton his police jacket. Soon, Yao's whole chest and back were exposed, and Ivan discarded Yao's clothes on the floor.

"You don't hesitate, do you?" Yao mumbled, a little shocked, but vehemently excited at the prospect of sex.

"_Nyet_," Ivan smiled as he took Yao's handcuffs and cuffed Yao's wrist to one of the cell bars. "Not at all." Yao normally would have gotten mad, but he was in a kind of horny daze. God bless you, brave soldier.

This was a win-win situation for Ivan. Not only did he get to have sex with the lovely officer, he got to escape afterward and resume his larceny! What an exhilarating evening. Ivan slid Yao's trousers and boxers down, crouching and lifting Yao's feet one by one to get the garments off. Once Yao was entirely naked, Ivan slid his own trousers down just enough. He didn't really need to get naked, now, did he? That would just make escape take longer.

"You're terrible," Yao muttered, but his voice went up an octave or two mid-sentence when Ivan put a hand to his dick. "Oh."

"I'll never get over how small you are," Ivan laughed softly, pressing his body lightly against Yao's and chortling. "I mean your body, not your penis."

"Thanks for the clarification," Yao grunted, trying very hard to ignore Ivan as he was stroked. Ivan's fingers started to move a little faster, and Yao seriously tried with all his might to resist. However, Ivan's handiwork was much too tempting, and Yao felt himself shuffle in arousal and instinctively press himself back against Ivan.

"And I thought you might not like me," Ivan giggled, moving his hand back now and wiggling some fingers into Yao's ass. Very smooth, Ivan. "Oh, we have this problem again, don't we," he pouted. "No lube."

"There's actually some in my pocket," muttered Yao.

"What? How convenient!" Ivan gasped, appreciative. In some form of showing his gratitude, he fingered Yao a little more. "Why is that?" He had a feeling he already knew.

"Remember the one time we didn't have lube?" Yao muttered. "My ass was on fire the next day."

"My penis might be a chili pepper," joked Ivan.

"Just shut up and get it."

Ivan shrugged, smoothly removing his fingers from Yao before going over to where he'd thrown Yao's trousers. Indeed, in one of the pockets was a little vial of lube, enough for one use. Yao really was prepared for anything, and Ivan respected that. "Ah, it's even my favourite kind," Ivan swooned, popping the cap. "You sure know me, Yao!"

"Maybe, but sometimes I really wish I didn't." Yao huffed quietly as Ivan went about painting lubrication onto the appropriate places. "You bastard."

"Perhaps I should just finger you until you orgasm," mused Ivan curiously. "You're being so rude."

"Fine. I worship your holy dick, Ivan." Yao droned in a deadpan voice.

"And bless you too, Yao."

Ivan actually quite appreciated the humorous interactions between he and his cop, finding Yao to be quite a funny guy. Besides, when on the run, Ivan really needed pick-me-ups sometimes. It got kind of lonely when you were hiding from everyone. Smiling, Ivan positioned himself properly, and entered Yao without any issue. His hands rested on Yao's ribs, holding him in place tenderly and without force. Ivan didn't really enjoy the idea of Yao just falling off his dick or something. At Yao's grunt (Ivan thought it a command), Ivan started to move his hips, moving expertly against Yao. Their bodies seemed to fit together nicely, Yao's body arced against Ivan's larger, one with arms around the other.

It didn't take long for Ivan to get a comfortable rhythm going, and Yao caught the beat and moved in time, trying his best to get the most out of every buck and thrust. With each strong movement of Ivan's trained hips came a quiet grunt or puckish moan from Yao, and these sounds only drove Ivan to move even more. Eventually it came to a point of Yao crying out with each thrust, and one final surge drove him over the edge. He called Ivan's name brashly into the air, to be heard by no-one but he and Ivan. Yao's warmth and tightening soon forced Ivan into a similar state of euphoria, and he let himself release into Yao.

Laughing softly, Ivan wiped the sweat from his brow and let Yao go, slowly moving backward and pulling up his own trousers. "Ah, Yao-" he started some kind of quip, but was actually more amused when he saw Yao was already dozing off, face pressed against one of the metal bars of the cell. What a weak bastard, falling asleep right after sex. At least Ivan knew he was a heavy sleeper. No godly amount of noise or movement could wake that man now. Ivan chuckled and pet Yao's shoulder. Going over to where he'd thrown Yao's pants, he rifled through them, quickly finding what he was looking for. Although, when he came along a permanent marker as well as the cell keys, he was pleasantly surprised. Perhaps he'd leave Yao a little love letter. After inscribing his note to Yao with marker, Ivan decided he'd leave one final touch. Slowly, he unwound his scarf from his neck, and put it around Yao's instead, tying it gently so it wouldn't choke him. That'd piss him off in the morning. Ivan snickered and left the cell, easily making it out and back into the city. He had some theft to commit.

* * *

Yao blinked his eyes open, clicking his tongue lightly as he finally rose from his deep slumber. It took him half a second to figure out where he was, and why there was an uncomfortable cold thing around his wrist. That bloody bastard, Ivan. Yao was going to outright kill him for this. Embarrassed, flustered, and beyond help, Yao whimpered quietly and prayed that someone would come in. Then again, he really didn't want Arthur to see him like this. That was just embarrassing.

Unfortunately for Yao, Arthur did indeed come in, and just stood in front of Yao, looking at him, very amused. "My my," mused Arthur quietly. "You've got yourself into a right pickle," he snickered. "'_That was fun. Thanks for the keys. Love, Ivan. XOXO_.'" Arthur read, pointing to the message left in sharpie on Yao's brow. "There's also a smiley face, and a tiny little penis on your cheek," Arthur observed. "Not to mention the immense (and graphic) phallus on your gut." He snickered, pointing to the sharpie drawing. Yao grunted, knowing that the little penis drawing was probably to represent his own, and Ivan was showing off his ego by drawing a gargantuan genital on Yao's body. Thanks, Ivan. You asshole.

"Just shut up and uncuff me," Yao whined quietly, incredibly embarrassed. Arthur, after three solid minutes of laughing at him, went into the cell and uncuffed Yao, allowing him to get dressed again. Yao huffed and put his clothes back on, not even bothering to further search his body for traces of Ivan. That fucking scarf, though. Yao angrily stuffed it into his bag. He was going straight home to shower and rid himself of any evidence of that bastard. Angrily, frustratedly, Yao trudged home.

Yao went straight to the bathroom, having dumped his bag on the sink counter. Honestly, he'd deal with all of that later. Yao turned the water on, and began to undress. Having failed to notice the window open, Yao was completely shocked when he felt large hands fall onto his shoulders. It seemed Ivan had been waiting for him. Yao slowly turned his head, narrowing his eyes at the criminal.

"What do you want?" he muttered.

"Ah.. I'm actually here to get my scarf," said Ivan quietly, a little more tame than he was usually. "But, first, I want to apologise."

"Apologise? Well, I must be dreaming," scoffed Yao, disbelieving. "Apologise for what, exactly? I want to know what you're sorry for in particular."

"I'm sorry for not leaving my number, so you could call me," Ivan chirped, slowly walking Yao forward into the shower. Ivan still had all of his clothes on, believe it or not, and he seemed entirely unperturbed when they became drenched. "I know how much you like seeing me, and how much I like seeing you."

"And I believed you were actually going to apologise for a moment," mused Yao, wriggling out of his pants for what he knew was to come. Of course it was. Almost practicedly, Yao kicked his now soggy undergarments out of the shower, and stared annoyedly up at Ivan. "A man can wish."

"Ah, my wishes come true," Ivan hummed, stroking Yao's now damp hair. "Here you are, right in front of me." Yao grunted in irritation and punched Ivan's chest.

"Shut up."

"Sex it is, then!" Ivan cooed, hoisting Yao's body up in a split second, and encouraging him to wrap his legs around Ivan's waist. "I can read you like a book."

"Am I an interesting romance novel?" quipped Yao, hesitantly leaning in and looping his arms around Ivan's neck.

"No, you're saucy erotica," Ivan retorted sassily, before closing the distance between their lips.

"How crude of you," Yao mumbled, leaning his head back so Ivan could nibble at the skin on his throat. "Surely I'm a tragic novella, a story best served cold."

"At least you're not _Fifty Shades of Grey_." Ivan mused quietly, teeth nipping at Yao's damp skin. "Unless you're into very bad BDSM. I am more into the good kind."

"Let's not talk about that anymore," shuddered Yao. "Why talk about sex when we can be making it happen, mm?"

"You're so thirsty, and we are in a shower," joked Ivan. "You have all the water you need."

"Shut up."

Ivan giggled softly and bit down hard on Yao's neck, only amused as Yao let out a soft gasp. "You're not one for foreplay, are you?" he smiled, kissing where he'd just bitten and adjusting how he was holding Yao a tad.

"Only if it is planned, and not just thrust upon me!" Yao argued hotly.

"You know what should be thrust upon you?" queried Ivan with a tiny smile as he positioned himself.

"No, don't you dare make that joke, don't you _dare_, Ivan Braginsky-"

Yao was made breathless when Ivan jerked his hips suddenly, entering him with little warning or signal.

"You bastard!" Yao wheezed as he caught his breath. "Your jokes are so stupid!"

"Really?" huffed Ivan, acting hurt. "I think I'm hilarious."

"Don't ever become a comedian, you asshole," grunted Yao.

"Yes, asshole?" Ivan gasped. "Okay!" he hummed, starting to move his hips. Yao was going to kill him. Just kill him.

Yao gave up arguing in lieu of short moans, whereas Ivan continued to jeer and quip, perhaps trying to annoy Yao as they moved in harmony. He kept making penis jokes, too. Can you believe that guy? He eventually got to the primal phase of movement, where he was forcing his body against Yao's with instinct more than will, and Yao could only respond in little cries and noises of pleasure. Once Yao reached his highest point, he wheezed and leant against Ivan, only moving suddenly when Ivan too finished. "You're awful," Yao muttered irritatedly as he rested his cheek on Ivan's shoulder.

"I know you don't think that way of me," cooed Ivan, petting his cop's head and slowly putting him back down. "Mind you don't fall over. I know you have problems standing after our little sessions," he hummed, pulling up his now soaking wet pants and stepping out of the shower. "Oh, look, you even brought my scarf in here! So convenient," Ivan hummed, reaching into Yao's bag and taking back his precious garment. "Ah, thank you for this morning, and last night!" Ivan smiled, wrapping it around his neck and moving to the window. "Goodbye, my little cop!"

Yao could only glare as Ivan flashed a smile, waved, and leapt out of the window, probably off to drip water all over the town and steal things. Yao eventually turned back to face the shower, trying to forget Ivan Braginsky for the day. Damned criminal.

* * *

**credit goes to laveniis for the whole plot**

**i simply wrote it from a baseline she gave me (because she's a baby and can't write smut cos she gets embarassed)**

**and i think this au is fucking awesome**

**i was the one who drew the cover image ;w;**

**love love laveniis**


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